真的很失望

昨天,我去了一位老朋友的新家拜訪她. 到了她家不久,我就發現她懷孕了.  原本我們兩個還一起走了這條不短的TTC路程.可是,她在五個月前就已經沒有和我一起走這條路. 只不過, 我現在才發現而她就一直都知道.  我突然覺得很孤單.  我最害怕孤單可是就偏偏感覺到孤單.  為什麼在我們人生這段慢長的路途裏想希望有個伴陪伴都那麼難呢?  我身邊所有的朋友都覺得懷孕第三個月裏是不可以跟任何人分享, 尤其是朋友. 如果家人都還沒知道, 身為朋友的我更沒有支各知道.  分享心事的時候就沒有關係, 可是一輪到懷孕的好消息就連最好的朋友都不會把你當成家人這樣看待.  真的很心疼. 

我是不是一個傻瓜, 跟朋友分享我心裏的真正感受而他們都一直沒有跟我分享他們的真正心事?  一段這麼不平等的關係還有什麼意義呢?  你打開你的心去歡迎人家近來,而人家還是把她的新關閉, 還有什麼意是呢?  我雖然沒有再我的朋友面前表達不愉快的表情, 我回到家至後就完全崩潰了.  淚不斷的流, 心不斷的痛 而心情越來越抵.  這是不是很不正常呢?  我是不是有情緒病呢? 

神啊, 祢在哪?  我很需要祢. 我撐不下去了.  我沒力氣了.  怎麼熬過去呢?  主啊, 請祢教教我吧.  我真的不會. 

Praying for those injured in Monday's bombings

Dear Lord, it really pains me to see how so much evil can take place in our world.  So many injured on Monday by the two bombs that went off near the finish line of the Boston Marathon.  It really reminds me that more and more havoc will take place prior to Your return but yet it still scares me immensely.  Those poor victims, people of all ages (including young children) covered in blood and major pain as numerous tiny little metal objects are stuck inside of them.  The thought itself is enough to scare me like crazy.  I pray that You will heal them and the hearts of their loved ones.  The families of the 3 individuals who were killed especially need to feel Your love in their lives as they try hard to make it through this difficult time of dealing with losing a loved one.  I pray you also heal the hearts of those who have to deal with losing a limb in the process of saving their lives.  So much pain.  I really can't imagine surviving through all that at all.  Lord, I pray that You will guide the investigations going on so that the people responsible for causing so much havoc are brought to justice.  We are all so helpless and there is nothing more we can do aside from pray for these individuals.  Lord, they are all in Your hands.  Please comfort them, take care of them and give them peace that can only come from You Lord.  In Jesus' most precious name I pray, amen.

Being thankful...

I just read a friend's 6-year-old write out a list of things she was thankful for.  I am so touched that my friend has taught her 6-year-old so well in just 6 years' time.  Makes me yearn more and more for a child of my own but it seems that the waiting is still continuing.  However, I am thankful for the opportunity to see my friend's three kids grow up from an infant to being 6, 4 and 2 now!  It's unbelievable how fast kids grow and watching them learn things a day at a time is amazing.  I'm thankful for having the opportunity to see them grow in the past 6 years and to also occasionally baby-sit them.  Honestly, I never thought in a million years that I would be able to baby-sit 3 kids all on my own.  Granted, it was only for a short evening and their bedtime routine is very standard but still, I'm amazed.  Will I ever get to share a special bedtime routine with one of my own one of these days in the near future?  It seems that this same question keeps coming back to my mind every time I see my friend's kids and see how sweet they are.  If being someone's "aunty" can melt my heart so much, I can't fathom how much more being a "mom" can melt it further.

Nonetheless, in all this time of waiting around month after month, I am thankful for a hubby who's so supportive and puts up with so much of my emotional ups and downs that often rear its ugly head in the numerous futile TTC attempts.  I am thankful for parents' who have somewhat mellowed out after initial concern over my uncertain future (waiting around for a child to come into existence).  I am thankful for in-laws who have never ever pressured me in any way or even bring up the topic about why it was still just a the two of us after so many years of marriage.  I am thankful for my best bud who's married to the other side of this Pacific but still cheers me on and listens to my crazy thoughts through Skype.  I am thankful for an old high school friend who's in the same boat as me and being that someone I could talk to when things were just too disappointing to share with others who weren't dealing with the same issues.  I am of course very thankful for my friend with 3 kids who's trust me time and time again to watch her kids when she needed a helping hand. 

The biological clock is going tick tick tick tick super duper fast and I know that I have absolutely zero control over what would take place in my future and whether our child would decide to join our little family or not.  Help me Lord, help me to have faith that You can definitely make this little miracle happen and that all is not futile.  I know You have your reasons Lord for why things are unfolding the way they are but You also know my fears and concerns so I'm trying my very best to trust in You for the courage I will need to see this little miracle happen.  Give me strength Lord.  I pray all this in Jesus' most precious name, amen.

Peace

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." - Romans 15:13

This is what I read on Crosswalk today as my Encouragement for Today.  Peace - it is definitely something we all seek in life no matter what we face.  Without it, we feel lost, discouraged and hopeless.  With it, we feel secure, safe and on the right path in life.  We feel encouraged and strengthened to face all that life throws our way. 

Dear Lord, I pray for this peace in my life.  I pray that You will guide me in the path to choose in life, a path that brings peace within - peace that can only come from You.  I know that I stray away from time to time and often find it difficult to remain on Your path but please forgive me Lord.  Please forgive my weaknesses.  Please continue to lead and guide me in life so that I don't end up straying too far away to the point of hopelessness.  Whatever lies ahead Lord, please guide me and give me that peace within that can only come from You.  I pray all this in Jesus' most precious name, amen.

I hope that we all strive for God's peace each and every day and especially in the big decisions in our lives.  For with it, we can be strengthened to face anything that comes our way.

Trust

"Those who know your name trust you, O Lord, because you have never deserted those who seek your help." - Psalm 9:10 (GW)

As I read today's devotion for women from www.crosswalk.com, I couldn't help thinking about trust and my issues with it.  The author shared some very good points about the story of Gideon in Judges Chapter 6 and it really got me thinking.  How I wish I could see the sign that Gideon saw with regards to God's message for him about his future as a mighty warrior.  It seems that I have asked for a similar sign in my communications with God about asking Him to lead me in what He thinks is best for my future - career and family-wise.  However, I have yet to see the sign that Gideon saw and waiting for it has been difficult.  There are days when I would remain positive and continue trusting in the Lord despite a lack of response but there are days like today when it is so hard to continue trusting without any sort of response.  My worrying truly does multiply with time.  I do long to hear You clearly in my life like so many believers before me but why am I unable to hear Your voice?  Am I not persistent enough in asking or are You somehow training me to become more patient in life?  It seems that with everything these days, I have to wait around.  I'm waiting around for my first child to come into existence, I am waiting around for guidance on what to do career-wise, I am waiting around for an opportunity to be able to share my passion for Stream of Praise' music in my city, I am waiting for my spouse to finally have a much-deserved "break" in his career and I'm also waiting around for a classical/electrical guitar that I have ordered almost two months ago.  It's hilarious when you think about it - how much waiting around seems to describe so many areas of my life.  Are You trying to tell me something Lord?  Do good things really come to those who wait?  I'm afraid of what the answer might be.  

Tomorrow marks yet another year in my life and as I reflect on all aspects of it, I seem to have nothing much to show for it.  Having been in existence for well over thirty-some years, what can I be proud of in my life?  Hardly anything.  I feel somewhat like a failure and despite so many encouraging words from close friends and dear sisters in Christ, I still feel like a failure.  That is the simple truth.  No hiding from it.  How can I overcome this?  Is it even possible?  Please show me how to trust in You Lord.  How to rely on the fact that You would never desert us when we seek Your help.  I really need Your help.  It's blatantly and painfully obvious how much I need Your help.  My crazy worries, fears, emotional ups-and-downs, dreams and hopes all need You Lord.  They all need Your magical touch.  Can You please be my Jehovah Rapha, Jehovah Jireh and Jehovah Nissi?  In Jesus' most precious name I pray, amen.